My Beanie & Sadness

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Dear Blog,

Today I wore my brown beanie that I bought at Ross for $5.00 and it has little tan pom poms at the end. I love it, plus is really adorable! Everyone was giving me compliments and it made be feel really nice. I was a little worried about wearing it too, thinking that it would make me look goofy, but I'm glad that I wore it. Not because of the compliments but because there was a reason why I bought it (smiles). The picture above is the style that my beanie is, but it doesn't look anything like that. It's plain brown with my pom poms and it's knitted.

Wednesday's I usually get to sleep in until my 12:15PM class, but today I to wake up the time I usually wake up for my 10:45 class because my mom had work today (which is good for her) and so no one else could take me to school, so of course I got up and got ready all that routine you do in the morning. I also brought along my laptop to try to get some homework done, since tomorrow I'm going to be going to the EVHS Choir Concert, to support the choir that I was in for four year (smiles). Anyways, so I tried getting onto the Internet to do my Astronomy homework to get it over with you know? So I try logging onto the Internet and it would connect, but it wouldn't let me use the Internet! I was in the library by the way. I just couldn't figure out why the Internet wasn't working! I was so frustrated, luckily but not because of the result, one of my friends named Angel came by and I asked him for help and he was trying to figure it out but ended up not. I gave up and decided to just deal with what I have. When I was about to leave to go to my English class to try the internet there, I saw one of my classmates from Health class named, Simran and I learned from her how to check out a computer in the library. It's true that you learn everything every day! Now I know how to check out a computer, what I thought was that I could just sit down and use the computer, silly me! Then as I was heading out I saw Linda and her sister Lisa checking into the library for a study room and also Curtis! He and I had no idea that we went to EVC it was quite a reunion. We learned from each other about the college and just chit chatted for awhile, then headed our own ways. Now heading towards my English class which was a lot of work because I had so much luggage with me. I felt like one of those technical wizards who always carried around their laptop XD. Anyways, when i got to my class the Internet worked there because there was like another link called "evc guest" which worked.

I thought that paragraph was too long to keep going about my day before I went onto the next paragraph, ANYWAYS so Diana Nguyen took me home today because there was no one able to take me home unless I waited until 4:30PM which knowing me I would, but at that time should could give me a ride so I asked her to take me home, which she did, she's so nice (smiles). I got home and was ridiculously hungry! So I gobbled down two bowls of food, one bowl with rice and another with just the these I ate with rice with no rice. I know I'm such a pig XD I couldn't help it, I was hungry. While I was eating, I watched Glee online, it was about a substitute and the guess star was someone that I've seen before but I didn't quite not know her name and I don't really want to look it up right now. Then after I ate which was almost 3:00PM and that's when the Tyra Show comes on, so of course I had to watch the Tyra Show. I love Trya! Today's show was about TEEN STRIPPERS. Yeah, I know... TEEN STRIPPERS and the girl who was the guest, oh my goodness, she isn't supposed to act how she was acting plus she was only about 16. She was one of the girls who didn't care what anyone thought and thought that she was above everyone else. She was really stubborn as well and I just... I couldn't stand the way to she answering and acting towards people's comments to her. I mean they weren't mean comments, they were just trying to save her to become something that she'll regret becoming.

Now I was watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show. I absolutely love Ellen she's so cute and amazing, every time she speaks I always think of Dori from Finding Nemo. On her show was Pink and this other guy that I don't know but he's an actor. Pink is pregnant and Ellen gave her this cool motorbike thing for her kid. Now I'm watching How do I look? On style network.

I then went upstairs to go shower and get started on my math homework. I was listening to my Ipod, so I couldn't really hear what was going on, but I could feel my mom coming home from work and she probably barely stepped through the garage door and I started to hear yelling. I wasn't sure if it was yelling just yet, but I got my answer once I turned down my music. It's been like this for awhile now, how we got to this point I'm not sure. The emotional person that I am, just mentioning it brings tears to my eyes and I can't imagine what got my family to this point. I used to cry every night in my room just thinking to myself, "What's going to happen?" I shed my tears and quickly wipe them away, being afraid of getting caught and being asked, "Why are you crying?" Since I'm the youngest in the family, no one every seems to tell me anything. Being kept away from the truth like I can't handle it or they think I'm just being nosy. But I feel that I'm apart of this family and I should know too even though I'm not going to be any help but I should be told. Most of the arguments are from my mom, she's always the one starting them, and I feel it's as if she's yelling all her stress away from herself and send it towards us. I especially feel the saddest towards my oldest brother because he's always the one getting yelled at and her anger always are shouted towards him. At times I'm angry at my mom because she thinks she knows everything that's happening in this household and she always starts pointing the blames at people who shouldn't even be blamed. Still, she's my mother and although at times she can be stubborn and wrong, I still have to consider her my mom and she has faults, but I just can't stand people who don't know the situation to just start pointing fingers. You should know your facts before pointing and I don't just blame her, I also blame the people who don't state the facts to her. But there's always also a reason why they don't tell her the facts and I understand that but it's also your fault as well not just hers. Now today's argument I have no idea what was about. I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow and just hear that it was all my mom's fault.

I don't blame my oldest brother for being frustrated and angry because of my mom, but I feel that he forgot what he taught me at the times that he talks to her. We gain mostly all of my mom's trait and being angry is one of them. He was all infused with anger that, I feel he should take his lesson and remember it too, which is; "Always be thankful and respectful to our mom, she's been through a lot getting us here to America for a better life. We all wouldn't be here living like this if it wasn't for her." he told me one day when we were talking about college. Those words will always be in my head whenever I'm near my mom and I hear it flowing through whenever she's making me frustrated because she doesnt understand a certain situation and starts pointing fingers. When that happens I just say those words over and over in my head. As for him, I just don't understand why he doesn't hear those words in his head. I mean as I grow older now my eyes are more open and I can see many things. I feel more grown up and I withstand a lot of the stuff that my mom shouts at me. I don't ignore it, but I contain all the things that I have to say to it and try to write it down or say it in my head, but I don't voice it out. For him I don't understand why he can't do that, of course he doesn't voice it out much and does it behind the scenes, but can't he also be understanding? Understand or try to understand what is going through in our mom's head right now? Try to understand her position, our family's position, and why she's acting the way she is? I feel the most troubled because in one ear I'm hearing one person's opinions and voice talking about things about my mom and on my other ear I'm hearing my mom voice her opinions about other person. It's as if no matter where I am in the world or with the people I'm involved around I'm always the center. Being scared, I can't say anything that the other person has said to the other in the situation. I shut my mouth and keep in my head what they say and when they bash each other I think "If only you knew how they felt or what they thought." It's time like this that I think communication and understanding towards one another is the most helpful. We need to be able to communicate and if we don't agree upon things we work it out through our communication, we have mouths and voices for a reason. I don't mean yelling or shouting to one another about it, but to just sit down and have a conversation and taking turns to speak would be the best way. It's just these days people are stubborn and cannot understand what another person's opinions are.

I just can't stand the thought of losing anymore people in my family. Situation's like this have happened before and I think back to years ago when my dad left us and how happy we were after that, we began doing things that normal families would do, we actually had a normal Christmas with a Christmas tree and everything, we lots of presents going all around and seeing everyone's happy faces and laughter filling the room and Thanksgiving where we tried something new and different, everyone cooking their own country and having all these different dishes. Now Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming closer, in a couple of days and look at how we've become now. I wouldn't even be surprised if I'm sitting in my room eating a cup of noodles watching my dramas, while everyone else in the world is having a wonderful family dinner with everyone sitting at the table eating a turkey or ham or however they celebrate it. I just can't understand how we got here again. I just can't stand losing my oldest brother who's not only my flesh and blood but also my best friend, a teacher, and even acted more of a dad then my real father. I understand my mom's and his differences but can't they all put it aside for the sake of the family? Are we all going to be split apart and is it just going to be my mom and me? A family of two? Usually a family of two consists of a wife and husband... why is is just my mom and me? Never in my life have I ever thought of being able to experience losing my family, not through death, but through differences and misunderstandings. I know a lot of people have it a lot more worse than me and in the past I wished I was born into another family, but I couldn't ever imagine having another family that's as special as mine now. I just don't understand...

I have no one to talk to, I could tell Valerie, but I don't even know the situation myself, and I feel that if I do tell her I'll just breakdown and she won't be able to understand my situation when I can't even explain what's going on. The only thing that I can do for now is to just type all my feelings down. I was going to start making this public, but I feel like I should just keep it for private forever and only show the closest people to me or if someone uses my computer and find out that I have a blog and reads it secretly. I seriously wouldn't mind them reading it because at least they'd understand and hear the truth that I can't say face to face or is too rude to say. I'll just keep everything in for now and just hope for the better. I can't stand anymore of the yelling, especially like the one today. I bet years from now when I come back to read this I wouldn't know what I'm talking about and I'm glad that I won't because it'll just bring back sad memories.

With puffy eyes tomorrow, Goodnight and Sincerely

Angela

A Windy Day

Dear Blog,

Today was a very windy day, windier than normal. It even made that "Wooohhooo" sound that feels like the Earth is talking to you. Because of the weather today I couldn't sleep like I usually do for my 12:15PM class, instead I woke up around 8, even though I didn't check the time I knew it was around there since my mom was getting ready to leave for work. I could've woken up and gone on the computer to watch my anime, but I didn't feel like getting up so I tried to go back to sleep and not accomplishing it. Instead I laid in bed with my eyes close "trying" to sleep. It was one of those days where I thought, "When is the alarm going to ring?"

Finally it rang and I got up to get dressed, went downstairs to make some eggs for breakfast since there wasn't anymore cereal, and waited for my brother to get home from the gym to go to school.

Once I got to school it was the same old same old, waited for class to start, class ended, and today went to Pizza My Heart to get some lunch. I must say, the pizza today was delicious! It wasn't because I was hungry, but it was nice and crunchy but not too crunchy... just right. We (Diana, Alyssa, and me) then decided to head over to Yogurtland for some yogurt since Alyssa never been there before (she lives down in Morgan Hill) Diana drove us down there. She was thrilled and loved it. We came back to school around 3:15 to find that our English Lab class was CANCELED. Although we were excited we were also pissed because we wasted 2 hours doing nothing and wasting money when we could've gone home to eat and done something else. I then tried calling my brother to come pick me up, after about 10 calls he didn't, so I asked Diana to take me to Valerie's house so he could pick me up when he could. Once I got there we tried doing homework, but when you mixed Valerie and I together with homework, we would get nothing done. I could've been finished with the pages that I was assigned for reading and she could've finished her math homework. Eventually, my brother came to pick me up and we headed over to Manila to buy these for tonight's dinner.

Once we got home I started to make the soup that I made on Sunday for the family, since my brother wanted to eat it again. He said it was good and figured out that we put MSG in there that's why it was so good. Remember, you can't eat too much MSG because it's addicting and bad for you. Why do you think those chips you buy are so addicting! By the time I finished making the soup and washed the dishes Cindy came home to make her chicken dish. I played games on my brothers phone, trying to beat his high score for about 10 minutes, and then headed upstairs to shower. Now I'm here sitting typing this entry :)

I'll probably finish my reading assignment and if I have time left over, watch episode 7 of my anime called, Yumeiro Patissiere Professional:

Then go to bed or browse the Internet, Facebook, Youtube, and update my Ipod.

Now until next time...

Goodnight and Sincerely,

Angela...merong :p

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I decided to you use again, but this time it's my own personal one. I made a tumblr but the functions and everything on there was very confusing. So I thought to myself, "Why not use something you already used before?" then I thought of you and am now starting to use you again. You may ask, "Why start again in basically the middle of November? When the new year is just around the corner?" to be truthful, I really don't know that answer but I know that if I start now it'll make me feel better. Now, I won't promise to post on you everyday just know that but I'll try my best.

I wanted to start a blog again because many things are happening in my life right now that I feel I need to put on paper, but if I put it on paper I might have arthritis and waste paper, so to make my life easier, I'm using this blog. Ah, the use of technology. It can be good yet it can be bad. I wanted to start yesterday since it was very exciting, but I never got around to it because I was really tired and sleepy. I should also be sleeping now, but I didn't want to waste another day. So this first post will be very long, you know so you can catch up.

This whole time I was trying to make you look spiffy and decorative so you weren't so plain and boring. So far it took me awhile since I didn't want silence as people read and I put a playlist of the songs that I could find. I was also trying to upload some songs onto the playlist, but it had to deal with a lot of work so I gave up...for now.

Now let's get on with it, what have you missed so far? Well, I started college and Evergreen Valley College and am now almost done with my first semester. Dang, time sure goes by fast. I'm currently working on my Health Science General Education right now and once I finish that, I'll be heading over to Foothill College to be doing my major which is: Radiology. Why have I come to the conclusion of choosing that major? There's no REAL reason, but I got introduced it to my brothers and I thought, "Hey why not?" it's a tough job, but it gives you a heck lot of money. Now people say, "You should love your job, not do it for the money." Seriously, right now that isn't the problem. It's money and I need the money to support my mom and brother that I have been mooching off for the 18 years that I lived. I'm not spoiled, but they certainly have supported me through thick and thin. Now, my family is on a very thin line and barely hanging on. My best friend Valerie asked me, "Why are you always so serious about school?" I tell her, but I feel she just doesn't understand. From the outside we seem like a fairly happy family, having fun doing all these things, but in the inside, behind the scenes, it's all stress and anger. I'll talk about that another time.

On Saturday I woke up at 7:45 AM to get ready to head over to Valerie's house for a once day trip to Delvelle. It's a campsite place that we went to once before (my first time camping was here with Valerie's family) but we were just going for a day. Now it wasn't as much fun as the first time I went, but it was still pretty fun. We first went down to lake, but there was nothing around except dog droppings everywhere. We then went back to the van and grabbed our nets and things to hold the creatures in. Now the last time we came here for camping, we came back from swimming in the lake and were about to cross under the bridge, when Valerie and Chloe (her cousin) started freaking out. It took me awhile to process what was going on (like always) and there at the side of the mountain was a rattlesnake! It the first time in my life that I truly saw a snake in real life. Now I understood why my brother was so disgusted by them, it was extremely gross to see that thing. We didn't know what to do, so we kind of just stood there and waiting for it to go away (it tried to go back up the mountain but didn't make it). Then these old couples came by and was wondering what we were doing and we said there was a rattlesnake. Senior citizens somehow are never scared of anything, I guess it's because they've been through it all mostly. Russell (one of the seniors) started poking at it with his crane =_=; we thought, "Was that really necessary?" it didn't do much but tried to get up the mountain. Anyways, that was a little off topic. Basically what we did there like we always do is catch lizards and fishes, then on our way to the bathroom Valerie saw acorns and all of a sudden we were competing against each other to see who could collect the most acorns and in the end were sorting them out into categories (Biggest, smallest, twins, and perfect). We came back to Chloe's house to play Wii Olympics and then moved over to my house to continue playing. I'm a little swore from all that swimming!

Today, I didn't do much. I woke up at around 9:00AM to go to the movies to watch Skyline with my brother and I thought it was pretty good. But my brother thought that the storyline was terrible and the ending was a little corny. I guess it was a little corny, but I still liked it. But then again when it comes to move I'm not a very good reviewer. I don't get story lines of many movies, but I probably liked it for the characters and action (if it has any). Then we came back home and I helped my mom cook some food, went upstairs to take a nap and woke up around 5:00PM, went downstairs to eat because I was so hungry (which is probably why I woke up), I then started the homework that I didn't finish, and then watched Salt with Angelina Jolie with my brother and Cindy (his girlfriend). The movie was really good! There was really big twists in the storyline, again got most of the story but pretty much liked the movie because of the action. Usually movies that aren't chick flicks I would have to ask my brother to explain to me what's going on. I know it's weird, but for some reason I sometimes just don't get what's going on, well the main idea I kind of get it's just the little details. Anyways, and now I'm here typing away. It's currently 1:18 AM and I have class in about 10 hours.

It was fine catching up although it's not the whole story, it's good for now. Tomorrow will be another day and another entry.

Good Night and Sincerely,

Angela